Some days I look at my laptop, and decide not to open it. I walk right past it, and think about not having anything to say. I ponder countless thoughts as I sit in my recliner. I could've shared those thoughts with you, but instead I kept them and lost them with myself. Although I'm young, my mind is already drifting. I can not remember a lot of what's transpired.
I look to the left and notice I've finished my glass of wine. A six dollar bottle of red, always quick to relax my nerves. Does absolutely nothing for my memory lapsing though. I start to cry for no reason in the world, which is another product my bipolar disorder. It has been a manic week.
Mania is an invisible island I live on, and no one else can see. I attempt to explain that I realize what's going on, but can't change it, and everyone just thinks I need to be okay. "You don't know how strong you are!" Strength is not what's lacking, control of my own mind is. I know I am strong, I walk around working and having friendships and pretending I'm okay when inside sometimes I'm breaking into a thousand pieces.
Of course that's not always the case. Sometimes I'm not able to slow the wheels that turn. I have the ability to be amazing, but I haven't seen that side in a while. There are many downsides to bipolar disorder, perhaps the worst is no choice when your mind might switch into mania. I can try to avoid triggers, and use my coping mechanisms, but I can't always change my mood.
I'm starting to feel better today. This week was a bit rough.
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