What I Can't Control

     So strange, how easy it was for me to amp up the next person, but yet I can't tell myself those same things. I turned to her, appalled at the way she saw herself. 
"You can't choose how other people see you!" I said it so matter of factly, like I was having a therapy session that she never asked for.  "You're amazing, and beautiful, and creative, and that's only how I see you. I don't wan't to think about how that guy see's you right now." 
    You can't choose.... UGH
What I can't control will be the death of me. Or it will at least be the panic attack that feels like death in that moment. 
      I have such control issues that I get embarrassed to let other people really know the extent of it. I'd say some of it stems from my past relationship with a narcissist who gave me the illusion of control. Some of it stems from never having any control as a child of abuse, and moving around so often in my youth. Regardless of why I have these issues, the irony is they are what's controlling me. 
         I'm growing, and getting better everyday. Every time I question myself, I seek to find the answers. I'm not going to be complacent. I am a strong bitch! I have survived some shit that might make someone feel as though they couldn't go on, you might've too. Thing is we don't all know these little tidbits about each others lives. We can't control how others see us, regardless of how hard we try. Just open up and be yourself, you might find that people resonate with the real you!
love ya,
KaziDelicious


p.s. here's a video from a show I went to the other night. Every time I go to a show and rock out, I get inspired. I really wish I had magical amounts of money to make my dreams come true. I keep thinking on this though, I won't give up.

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