I think with my last post I left things a bit unexplained. What do you do if someone isn't trying to "control" you in the way that my ex was. What if they are just jealous and confused because they really were hurt in the past? How do I help them without putting my own mental health at risk? Well I will start by saying I'm not a dr. I have no training in this, but in my life experience I have learned some things. After dating someone who dictated my every situation and then come to find out he was the one doing the dirt. I was a bit of a mess. It took me a few years of sorting through all that before I met my current boyfriend. Even after that time, and thinking I had worked through a lot, I didn't realize how much opening up to someone new would reopen so many old wounds.
In the beginning I truly had these type of issues. I was insecure. I wanted to know who he was texting, where he was going, I wanted to text him or call him and get an instant response all throughout the day. Ugh, it was exhausting. My previous relationship had left me scarred and now I was repeating the same things that had been done to me.
In the start of my current relationship all he wanted to do was make me happy. So he kept me informed in these things, he sent these texts, he did whatever he thought would help. Thing is, as time progressed we realized that wasn't strengthening my trust. It wasn't helping me grow. I was stuck in my insecurities. To truly trust him, I had to believe in his morality. I had to believe that he would make the right choices, just as I would.
This was a journey that I had to meet with full honesty. I had to be open with my boyfriend, letting him in to my past hurt, explaining what I was going through. Once and a while I had to talk about something if it triggered me. What I needed to stop trying to do was control the situation, and instead control how to handle the way it made me feel. For example if I was insecure about what my boyfriend was doing when I was at work, I would text him with no reason at all. I had to do some self realizing and decided only to text him if I was truly thinking of him (not in an insecure way), or had something to tell him. Instead I would text one of my friends about my insecurity, and we would talk it out. If one of my friends weren't available I would watch motivational video's on youtube.
For the spouse of someone that is dealing with these insecurities, the best way to help is to be an honest partner. Trust is hard to build in someone who has it wiped out in a previous relationship, so continue to keep the trust by being completely truthful. Open up when something bothers you and talk it out, be open when they talk to you. Remember that many times it isn't that they don't trust you, it's that they don't trust their ability to judge trustworthiness anymore.
One of the main things I do that helps me when I am triggered is to remember, when someone hurts you, it is not your burden to carry. If someone decides to break your trust, that is on them. Do not carry someone else's burdens, set yourself free. Do not put yourself through the same pain over and over again, especially if it hasn't happened. Ex: thinking your significant other could be cheating without any cause for that thought other than worry. You are putting yourself through the pain over and over and it hasn't happened. Only put yourself through pain once. If it happens go through the pain then, don't set your life story around it. I'm not judging, I'm telling you from a place of experience. You deserve to have a real love story, full of hope, trust, and happiness. First start by loving yourself a little more each day. <3
These things are difficult to share, and a little embarrassing. I do have lots of funny stories from when I didn't deal with my insecurities so well. I was thinking of telling those in video format. Depends where motivation leads me.