toxic control

​I just want to say if you're in a toxic relationship, if your spouse is controlling everything you do, don't walk, run! I remember every excuse for the behavior. I remember thinking he was that way because of someone hurting him in the past. Don't allow that to be an excuse. Years later I still deal with triggers and issues. Long after the relationship, after being single, even after being in a much healthier relationship, I've carried the burden.
Last night was a simple reminder. Sometimes you don't see how toxic your past was until you see how much better it can be.
I'm sitting in the dark with two of my best guy friends. We are checking out my art in the glow in the dark method. I hear my boyfriend come up the stairs and he comes in to tell me happy birthday. My brain instantly switched into the past. My mind imagined my ex saying rude things to me, after they left of course. I waited for the resting bitch face he would've given until then. Then reality kicked back in and I took a deep breathe. That isn't my life anymore.
Just because I'd been hurt in the past, that doesn't allow me to be that to my current relationship either. I've had issues, but I don't allow myself to attempt to control him. Hurt doesn't equal allowance to treat others the way you were treated. It does mean it's been an uphill battle.Now as I stand at the top thinking about how far I've come, I feel lighter. I feel like I'm coming to a point where I might begin to share my stories. Not so you can see my pain, but so that you can see my victories. What could've been my ending, became the beginning.