Pondering Thoughts

​I felt it pull me, like I needed to be writing. Then I pulled out the laptop. I hadn't used it since the move. The new house had too many things to accomplish. There were no days off for homeowners. 
It'd been colder lately and we hadn't had the opportunity to replace the windows. The drafty air made us all cuddle closer. Between my boyfriend, and my dog, I was really never alone. I think that's when I noticed how much I healed along the way. The nightmares hadn't visited me since the move. I was sleeping again.
Healing has this strange way of making you see yourself differently. I am no longer feeling the pull to be a performer. This is a struggle I am dealing with entirely. My entire life I wanted to be an artist, I wanted to be on stage. What the hell am I doing now? Fear creeps into my mind but I stand firm. There is something different for me, I just haven't discovered it. I'm afraid, but I have faith. 
Tomorrow is  a new day. Today is a day for thoughts to be pondered.


Cry baby, cry baby, your emotions are not welcome here. They mock you for your issues in your youth and expect you to open up about your mental dissabilities as adults. I know your eyes change when I mention bipolar disorder. I see how the room envelops a different aura. You know what you've seen, cases of the extreme. Cases of those who have been on meds for years. It's hard for you to understand how someone can cope for so long unnoticed, how someone can function while battling their own mind. You don't realize I had no choice. My trust issues would not allow me to speak to a professional about this for long. You don't realize I'm not going to show up to our next appointment. I'll have a good excuse, I'll reschedule. Then that time I'll cancel again, but I'll be honest, I'll tell you that I just can't do this. I know that getting help for me only makes it harder. I know when I was younger and dealt with abuse I trusted the councilors and court mandated therapists, and they lied, and they told my mother thing's I'd said. I realize that not all professionals will be this way, and that I'm dealing with irrational fears, but I also just don't trust you.