My Biological Father
I suppose if by finally telling all these stories will be a true testament to the healing process, I must do it. One by one I'm cleaning out the past that I've pushed so far down so I wouldn't have to deal with it. Talking about my biological father used to be one of those things that upset me, and I'm so glad to say that now it truly doesn't.
For my younger years I didn't actually realize my step father wasn't my biological father. He raised me as his own, and the bio dad wasn't in the picture. I'd met his parents on a few occasions but at that time I didn't realize the importance of these meetings. When I was in 1st grade we moved to Indiana, and our visit's to Florida were sparse.
I was nine years old when I finally knew the truth about my biological father, but I still didn't know much. I spent a lot of years imagining him, based on very few details. He was a very handsome, tan, charismatic, alcoholic, that spent many years of his life in and out of jail. When I was twelve I visited family in Florida and my father wanted to meet me then, but I was too afraid.
When I was eighteen my father was in prison again. This time he got my address from a relative and started sending me letters. For a while I started to get excited about receiving these letters, and about getting to know him. I imagined he had a hard life, and that he wished he could be there for me. I sometimes imagined him saving me from my mom's ex who abused us. Even though he'd never been there I still pictured him a hero. I planned a trip to Florida again and this time I was going to meet him for Christmas. I listened to the song Zoe Jane by Staind on repeat the entire 18 hour drive. When we arrived at the prison they informed me that I had not been put on the list in time. Since it was a Holiday they would not be able to rectify it until a visitation that would be after I got back to Indiana. I was heartbroken.
My father kept writing letters sporadically for the next few years. It was strange sometimes because he would ask about my mother, or talk about the past. I wasn't interested in the past, but he was caught in it. I just wanted a chance to move forward and finally know my father.
When I was 21 he was out of jail again, and I went for a visit. The very first time I'm meeting my father, my heart beating out of my chest, and he walks up to me eyes completely blood shot, goes in for a hug, and smells like he bathed in beer.
"Hey baby girl" he slurred. I try to stay relaxed and assume he needed to drink his nervousness away. Then he spots my mother and they begin to talk, and argue about the past. First time meeting my father in my entire life and all of a sudden I'm invisible and they are fighting. I cried and pleaded with them to stop the nonsense since I'd waited so long for this. It did no good and eventually I'd had enough and I went to my hotel room and went to bed. The next few days were planned that I get to know him. We got along okay but his excessive drinking and obnoxious behavior made it hard to be comfortable. He spent most of the time asking questions about my mother and it felt odd like he was using me to get to her. I was glad to get to meet him, but also glad when it was time to go home.
Two weeks later my mother walks into my classroom at Ivy Tech. My mother never visits me at school so I'm instantly concerned, but she is grinning from ear to ear. She walks up to me and tells me that she is in love with my father. My heart drops into my stomach. How on earth did this happen!?! She seems confused that I'm not elated like she is. I'm confused that this is real life.
She ended her 7 year relationship and began dating my biological father again. He moved to Indiana to be closer to her, but he made comments to me often that he wasn't sure if I was his. Everyday they were together I felt like someone was stabbing me. I felt like she was choosing him over me. I distanced myself from them and tried to live life without dwelling on it. After a few months they decided to get married, I did not attend the wedding.
He wasn't a great guy, it didn't last with them and he has only tried to reach out a few times since then. I don't entertain his messages because I know he is an alcoholic and a manipulator, and I can no longer allow my life to be jostled by him. I'm careful about drinking, because I always fear being just like him. I never wanted to have biological kids because there are too many kids that already need parents. I'm grateful for my step father. I'm even grateful that my biological father wasn't there, because I think he'd have done more damage than good. Admitting all of this did make me cry a little, but maybe it's good to share it. Who knows how long it will take before I delete this one.