Living with bi-polar disorder is difficult. After I wrote that I immediately knew that was an understatement, but it was still true. You could use descriptive happy words, or hopeless ones, and both would apply. Bi-polar leads to my manic moments, and my mania is both the best and worst sides of me.
I'd been on a manic high, soaring, egomaniacle, purposeful. Each day I was sending out multiple messages and emails, making plans, working on goals. I thought hours in a day didn't matter if you were running around like a person on speed. My creativity was in a wonderful place, as I painted while envisioning business plans, events, other ideas all at once. I could do everything I needed, and help everyone. I don't even think I was delusional. I really could accomplish whatever I wanted when my mind was in that place.
These moments have no timer. I can be triggered by the slightest thing and like a door slamming into your face, I'm abruptly changed. I don't see my accomplishments positively. I spit in the face of my positive self. I'm not good at anything, except being a bitch! I cry and then because I don't know why I'm crying or why I can't stop, I cry more. These are the moments I have to fight. These are the moments everything that's irrational is fighting to take the lead. My head is throbbing, and all I can think is how dying is the only answer. I fantasize about being gone about leaving all my pain. The rational side of me weighs in, reminding me of my relationship, friends, family, my pet. The depressed side says they'd have a better chance without someone as crazy as me around. I believe that side and I cry heavier. I sink into my sadness and I don't know how to leave it.
I have dealt with my mania for a long time, so I have coping mechanisms. I seclude myself, or go for a walk, I listen to music, or cuddle the dog. Sometimes one of those things work. Sometimes none of them do. I will hear my favorite playlist, but instantly hate every song. Music can give me a headache when I'm in a manic low. The drums seeming to be working on the side of the darkness, pulling me in with every beat. I wait it out in my dungeoun. I try my coping mechanisms over and over, and I hope.
I cry, God why can't I be normal!?!
It's bad enough I've led a difficult life, but now I have to be irrational as well!?!
I'm in a low right now, but it's moderate. It could last a few minutes, to a few days. A few minutes of mania either low or high can be extremely exhausting. If I'm in the high I will not notice all my efforts, but once I come down I will be incredibly tired. The lows come with excessive crying which wears me down. I don't let myself go to sleep when I'm upset, for fear of waking up the same.
I'm not sharing this so you will be worried about me. Please don't be concerned, I am not going to hurt myself. I just needed to write this, while I was feeling it.