All Over The Place
Hey guys, how's it going!?! It's been a busy couple of weeks for me! Most recently my fingers are healing and typing again. Two days ago I tried to save a stray cats life. That resulted in me getting bitten and scratched by the cat. I was unable to save the lil guy and I ended up with some fun infections in my hands. The new Express Care location was awesome and actually got me in the back before I could finish filling out paperwork. Granted they had extra time with my swollen fingers, but even still, I was grateful. I ended up getting a shot, some antibiotics, and a cream. My fingers are still swollen but I'm starting to have almost normal mobility in them again! What a relief! Seeing the cat die did more to me mentally than physically. I was an emotional wreck that day. I cried a lot.
Crying has been a common theme in the two weeks or so that I haven't been updating the blog. First week was my lady time, so we'll just chalk it up to mother nature on that one. I drank milkshakes and said Fuck this kedo diet! I don't think that was the best response. I felt out of sorts, and I think sugar does affect me more than I realize. I found myself in and out of a dark depression. I would cry for no reason at all, and honestly be saying "I don't know why I'm crying." My boyfriend actually said as I was leaving one day, "I am worried for your mental well being." That solidified it, it was real. This wasn't just me being sad in my head.
It's not as if I was just allowing myself to succumb to the depression. I did all of my tactics to pull myself out of a manic moment that I could think of. I worked on some art. Specifically, I was painting my costume for the show next month. It was like doing two things on the list at once. Still I found myself getting sad and not understanding why. I reached out to friends, talked with many of them about different things. I found a lot of inspiration in those friends, in documentaries, and in music. It's strange when I'm manic I can have a logical side that see's these things as great, compartmentalizes them, and goes right back into the darkness. I started working on a music video. I finished it last night by the way, I'll post it below. I felt like it was necessary to work on it right away when I got that feeling, and then once we got some footage I became depressed over it. I start thinking about how I'm not good enough, how I'm lacking. I have people telling me they love my music, they love me, they are here for me. My boyfriend is literally my knight in shining honor. None of this matters when I'm low. I thought of suicide twice during these days we haven't spoken. Neither times I thought of it were they for any real reason. I just stopped wanting to live. It's scary as I write this it literally felt like time slowed down and my heart beat was really loud. It's as if I'm hyper aware of what it is to live. Sometimes it's hard to believe in a future. Maybe it's because I don't have children, but mostly it's because I was in a low. I think being an empath is one of the main reasons I will never actually follow out that terrible feeling. I could not hurt others just because I was hurting. I am better today. My mental health is something that is important for me to work on continuously. I have seen much improvement over the years with my mania, and my ptsd. None of that can happen if I wont allow myself to work on it. If I deny the issues, or push away resources. Although I had a rough week or two, looking at the big picture I see the progress I've made in the last five years.
For the last three days I've been back on the kedo diet. The longing for a milkshake is shrinking each day a little more. I wont lie though, yesterday I put the money in my pocket to order one. I kept saying wait twenty minutes more and then decide, and each time I would say to wait until finally I put the money back in my purse. It seems silly, but I was proud of myself, that I was able to say no to chocolate!
Addictions come in many forms, mine is sugar, and sugar is harmful to my body and mind. It seems there is a very real correlation on glucose to mania moments for me. So when they say there is a chemical imbalance I wonder if they mean there is too much sugar in your system and it's fucking your head up!?! Either way lets see if I go back to wonderful days without mania? Would be cool, especially if there is some weight loss attached to it!
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