Searching For Purpose
I've spent years of my life in the retail world learning to sell. I'm great at it, truly I can sell just about anything. I work my way up, I become the best, now I'm in management at my current job. This time I sell to people who help people so that made selling seem better, for a while. Let me clarify, I do love my job. I just have a hard time finding the passion in this career for life.
It's still my dream to run this venue, but maybe I'm scared it will never happen. I'm afraid that there will be no way for me to find funding. I suppose the issue is that I am once again having negative fantasies standing in the way of progress.
I'm constantly searching for purpose in life, something more. I want to give back, I want to feel like I'm about more than the bottom line. I wish I was smarter so I could understand things easier. I suppose that is lame, lol I need to work hard for the things I want.
Yeah...I started rambling with my thoughts on this one, you're welcome! Love you guys for reading!
Life is good
Oh man, it's been a bit but things are busy. Life is good and we have to remember the blessings as they come. Some times I'm reminded of my blessings on my tougher days because those aren't my normal days, and they aren't as tough as my roughest days five years ago. I am seeing so much progression in myself, and it makes me feel good to know that I'm growing.
On July 20th I did perform songs from my album at Mugshots in Michigan City, and it was a blast! I messed up a little but I went with the flow and that's the way it goes! I don't have any other performances until Barn Bash on 9/8. I'm working so much right now, so it's better for me. Sometimes I feel the pull to perform, but it is hard to be an advocate of your own music. I think I need to find the strength and confidence to reach out to other performance options. That may require me to get over anxieties with driving out of town, or riding the train...eeek. For now I may try to do some open mic's or something fun for practice.
If you haven't seen my last music video F.A.C.E. it's online so check it out. It's a way to also commemorate The Afternoon of the Reanimated Corpses, that I retired on it's 7 year anniversary.
Have a great day!
I'm on Spotify now
My songs are all over the internet now! Hooray! I hope you will enjoy this delectable tasting tray of musical treats!
Look up Kazidelicious
Today, the level of euphoria just overwhelmed me, and I couldn't stop the happy tears. I'm not upset that happened, I just wasn't expecting it. I was a little thrown off because I wasn't going to be able to post everything on spotify, amazon, itunes, and wherever else until some stuff I forgot to include gets fixed.
Instead of stressing it I just decided to upload it to Band Camp because I can allow everyone to listen to it for free. I just want to get my music out there, because I'm actually proud of it! Maybe this is the first time I've really felt confident in the recordings of my music, and it's exciting! BIG HUGE THANK YOU'S to Jake Lawless and Gumba from BlastCap Productions!!!
I have a lot to do before work so I'll cut this short but I just wanted to say THANK YOU! Thank you to all of you, whoever you are that watch my videos, listen to my songs, and read my blogs! If you'd like to hear the album, Check it out below!
July 11th, 2018
Good Morning! Hope your day is going swell! I hope you could picture the motions I made but if not oh well....
Today I feel pretty good about things. I've got a check list on my dry erase board and most of the major stuff is checked off. I'm practicing as often as I can, because I'm so forgetful and the last thing I need is to mess up my own songs.
I'm hoping to be pumped up and really bring my songs the way they're supposed to be. My anxieties are at a high, but at least my insecurities haven't been an issue as of yet. I know I can do this, I've just got to be ready. Positive affirmation....yes!
"What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner." -Colette
It's Coming Up Soon
Hello, Thank You for sticking with me. I'm trying the new say thank you instead of I'm sorry, way of life. Life is busy and it's coming up soon! My album will finally be released to the world!!!!!!!
I've got so much to do, but I wanted to check in and let you all know that I appreciate you! I can't wait to share this with you all!
This past Saturday was Michigan City, Indiana's first ever Pride fest! It was an extremely hot day, so props to everyone who was working at the event! It was so hot that I had to cut my first trip short and then return as the sun was going down for the drag show. I'm glad I did go earlier in the day though, because by the time I went again a lot of the booths had packed up. It seemed to be pretty successful and it was great seeing the community stand behind this event! I even met a woman who grew up in Michigan City and hadn't been back in almost twenty years but she came back to celebrate pride in her hometown. During the end show I even saw some people tearing up. It was amazing to feel the support in the crowd. I took a video of some of the drag show. I'll post it below.
Talk to ya later!
A Good Day
Yesterday was a good day. It was my day off so I decided to sleep in and I really think I needed that!
I sent my new video out and got some good feedback.
I was really appreciative that some people actually had some constructive criticism and that I actually listened to them rather than getting defensive. I've grown so much over the years! lol. I am a hardheaded individual at times.
I decided randomly after doing a little shopping, that I would go for a walk. So I went to the pond and put on my headphones. I love walking out there because the nature is so beautiful. I almost have to take pictures every time I'm there. When I "walk" I like to be extra. I do what I call Wamba, or Jomba if I'm feeling extra pumped. I just basically dance walk. Not dance cute, or give a fuck, just work out dancing. Stuff I've done in zumba is incorporated into my walking or jogging. It helps me keep from being bored. Every time I'm worried about "what if someone see's me?" I have to tell myself that entertainers aren't embarrassed. If I want to be a musician, or a host, or who the heck knows with me, I need to be completely secure in being who I am. So I get my workout and enjoy myself doing it!
Hope you had a great day too!
All Over The Place
Hey guys, how's it going!?! It's been a busy couple of weeks for me! Most recently my fingers are healing and typing again. Two days ago I tried to save a stray cats life. That resulted in me getting bitten and scratched by the cat. I was unable to save the lil guy and I ended up with some fun infections in my hands. The new Express Care location was awesome and actually got me in the back before I could finish filling out paperwork. Granted they had extra time with my swollen fingers, but even still, I was grateful. I ended up getting a shot, some antibiotics, and a cream. My fingers are still swollen but I'm starting to have almost normal mobility in them again! What a relief! Seeing the cat die did more to me mentally than physically. I was an emotional wreck that day. I cried a lot.
Crying has been a common theme in the two weeks or so that I haven't been updating the blog. First week was my lady time, so we'll just chalk it up to mother nature on that one. I drank milkshakes and said Fuck this kedo diet! I don't think that was the best response. I felt out of sorts, and I think sugar does affect me more than I realize. I found myself in and out of a dark depression. I would cry for no reason at all, and honestly be saying "I don't know why I'm crying." My boyfriend actually said as I was leaving one day, "I am worried for your mental well being." That solidified it, it was real. This wasn't just me being sad in my head.
It's not as if I was just allowing myself to succumb to the depression. I did all of my tactics to pull myself out of a manic moment that I could think of. I worked on some art. Specifically, I was painting my costume for the show next month. It was like doing two things on the list at once. Still I found myself getting sad and not understanding why. I reached out to friends, talked with many of them about different things. I found a lot of inspiration in those friends, in documentaries, and in music. It's strange when I'm manic I can have a logical side that see's these things as great, compartmentalizes them, and goes right back into the darkness. I started working on a music video. I finished it last night by the way, I'll post it below. I felt like it was necessary to work on it right away when I got that feeling, and then once we got some footage I became depressed over it. I start thinking about how I'm not good enough, how I'm lacking. I have people telling me they love my music, they love me, they are here for me. My boyfriend is literally my knight in shining honor. None of this matters when I'm low. I thought of suicide twice during these days we haven't spoken. Neither times I thought of it were they for any real reason. I just stopped wanting to live. It's scary as I write this it literally felt like time slowed down and my heart beat was really loud. It's as if I'm hyper aware of what it is to live. Sometimes it's hard to believe in a future. Maybe it's because I don't have children, but mostly it's because I was in a low. I think being an empath is one of the main reasons I will never actually follow out that terrible feeling. I could not hurt others just because I was hurting. I am better today. My mental health is something that is important for me to work on continuously. I have seen much improvement over the years with my mania, and my ptsd. None of that can happen if I wont allow myself to work on it. If I deny the issues, or push away resources. Although I had a rough week or two, looking at the big picture I see the progress I've made in the last five years.
For the last three days I've been back on the kedo diet. The longing for a milkshake is shrinking each day a little more. I wont lie though, yesterday I put the money in my pocket to order one. I kept saying wait twenty minutes more and then decide, and each time I would say to wait until finally I put the money back in my purse. It seems silly, but I was proud of myself, that I was able to say no to chocolate!
Addictions come in many forms, mine is sugar, and sugar is harmful to my body and mind. It seems there is a very real correlation on glucose to mania moments for me. So when they say there is a chemical imbalance I wonder if they mean there is too much sugar in your system and it's fucking your head up!?! Either way lets see if I go back to wonderful days without mania? Would be cool, especially if there is some weight loss attached to it!
Back to Youtube
It's been a while, but I've been making videos again! It is such an amazing feeling to get back into editing. Lately I've only posted a few videos of me attending some events, but that's just the beginning. Eventually I will get comfortable enough to actually talk to people on camera while I'm there! I miss the days of dancing with strangers. I don't know why this time away has gotten me less comfortable socially. I guess I never realized my camera helped me with my social anxieties. My boyfriend was at the last event I was photographing and filming and he was taking photo's of me from afar. I was like what the heck ya nerd, but he said "look at you, you're so happy." I guess I am. So happy creating memories that people can cherish forever. I'm also working on a music video, or two. Stay tuned!
Have a great day lovelies!