I've been caught up in my thoughts a lot lately. Manic depression is no fucking joke. I seriously am doing everything on my list to help get myself right. This is no small feat when it's hard for me to function at all. I've lived with this depression since I was so young, it's become a part of me. That doesn't mean I don't wish it away all the time.
Today I feel slightly better than yesterday, but there's still this dark cloud living above my head. I remember the days that this was harder to combat. I recall not being able to handle these things as easy. The progression is what helps me to keep improving. I've got to know that I can fight this feeling.
This was just another throwing my thoughts on the page type of thing. Enjoy.
This time, I wont allow myself to lose control,
let the lies create a mountain,
and they swallow me whole,
I'll be diligently searching,
for a tear in the design,
anyone to be just mine,
so many years have passed,
and somehow they still achieve,
to have me contemplating,
the ability to believe,
in God, in other people,
in ever being okay,
So I hold tight to my heart,
because I'm way too afraid,
conflicted in my misery,
why can't I just be blissful,
because content me was ignorant,
and happiness is wishful,
I stuffed the darkness in my pocket,
so no one else would see,
and wen't on about pretending,
that I'm okay being me.
I've just been on a random writing kick lately. I'm not worrying about structure, I'm just getting my thoughts out.
I reside here,
in this post apocalyptic nightmare,
Hardly feel a thing,
as the ravens pick away my flesh,
moments stretch out like the desert,
I am chained, confined, imprisoned,
Immortal, yearning for death,
standing on a thin line,
between premonition and destruction,
instinct and insanity,
my mind plummets,
to the murkiest depths,
spiraling out of control,
So strange, how easy it was for me to amp up the next person, but yet I can't tell myself those same things. I turned to her, appalled at the way she saw herself.
"You can't choose how other people see you!" I said it so matter of factly, like I was having a therapy session that she never asked for. "You're amazing, and beautiful, and creative, and that's only how I see you. I don't wan't to think about how that guy see's you right now."
You can't choose.... UGH
What I can't control will be the death of me. Or it will at least be the panic attack that feels like death in that moment.
I have such control issues that I get embarrassed to let other people really know the extent of it. I'd say some of it stems from my past relationship with a narcissist who gave me the illusion of control. Some of it stems from never having any control as a child of abuse, and moving around so often in my youth. Regardless of why I have these issues, the irony is they are what's controlling me.
I'm growing, and getting better everyday. Every time I question myself, I seek to find the answers. I'm not going to be complacent. I am a strong bitch! I have survived some shit that might make someone feel as though they couldn't go on, you might've too. Thing is we don't all know these little tidbits about each others lives. We can't control how others see us, regardless of how hard we try. Just open up and be yourself, you might find that people resonate with the real you!
p.s. here's a video from a show I went to the other night. Every time I go to a show and rock out, I get inspired. I really wish I had magical amounts of money to make my dreams come true. I keep thinking on this though, I won't give up.
Last night I posted a new video for my song Lady Time! Check it out!
Sorry I haven't been blogging. I could make up tons of excuses but honestly I just haven't wanted to write. I'm taking each moment as it comes.
*trigger warning, this is a poem about depression. Please understand that as the author I do fight depression daily. For me it is a battle, but please do not be concerned. I have gained years of experience in dealing with my triggers. I write, I create, I talk to someone about it. These are very real feelings, but I also have the strength to overcome them. I hope if you're having feelings like this you also have that strength. If you don't please please reach out to a hotline or someone experienced to help you. I love you guys!
Sometimes I wonder, If I'll ever be okay,
moments of clarity come, how quickly they fade,
I'm trapped inside my sanity, until the demons return,
and without hesitation, they cause my world to burn,
it's incomprehensible, that I'm still grasping tightly,
to the parasites on my back, that claw, squeeze, and bite me,
no warning, I sleep.
When I wake, it is as though I've been living a different hell,
Submerged into my nightmares, destinations you dare not dwell,
so exhausted, drained, praying for reprieve,
knowing this is another thing, I will not receive,
I cry, tears overwhelmingly abundant,
I stare, as I sit alone in silence,
no warning, I sleep.
when will it be everlasting?
Well, Hello There! It's been a moment in time, hasn't it?
I'm not sure why I couldn't bring myself to update my blog, but I just couldn't. I would think about it often, and feel unable to open the website at all. I was amazed to see there has been a decent amount of traffic to my page while I was away. I must say it does warm my heart a bit.
I've been working out still, but I ended my Walking and Vlogging series with Episode 8. I want to be healthier, mentally and physically. I don't want to keep giving up on myself.
That being said I've decided I don't want to perform anymore. Being a solo artist is hard work! I have to market myself, and believe in myself not only enough to play it for others, but to actually get them to the shows. I just don't want the stress of it. Maybe I'm giving up, maybe that's the lamest option. I don't know anymore. I will however keep some beats on my phone and if an impromptu performance moment comes up, I think that would be fun. I still plan on creating some music videos at some point as well.
Talk to ya soon! Love ya!
Wow, I guess I haven't wrote anything here in a bit. I have been walking and vlogging though. You can check out the vids if you want to see more of that.
The days when I forget to see the blessings in the small things, those are the days I struggle. I always want more. I tick one thing off on the list, on to the next. Over the years if something didn't go as planned I took it extra hard. Recently I've thought of the way things would've been different, and I have to be thankful for the no's, and forks in the road. Thankful for the moments that changed the course of everything.
Who know's what's next.
I'm caught in my head and I cant get out
I'm stuck running, back and forth, pounding on the walls
Breathing heavy, crying, exhausted
I am not okay.
I'm not ever really okay.
I'm only a better actress than I realized.
Stuck on repeat, going through the motions
I'm a tattered rug to walk upon
covered in mud
left outside in the rain
I weep for all the thoughts I ponder
an empathetic cry baby
wailing in the rocking chair
flying forwards, backwards, psychoticaly
I want my mom, or to be in that lifetime
where a mother was equivalent to a superhero
now years later I gasp for air
as I attempt to keep treading water
just tired enough to say I'm living
but not completely mean it.